OOOh, you better watch out!

Because I'm 12 and a complete brat, I have a really long Christmas list. I mean, there's obvious stuff like this and this, stuff from here or here and ooh! that in an XXL and these that I'd love to find under the tree. Do I really expect anybody to spring $150 for some DVD's and/or $70 for a sweater for me? Uh, NO. But that's what internet window shopping is for, right? Anyway - there are also all the totally unattainable things like world peace, a cure for cancer*, better time management skills and more self-confidence that are on list, but we all know how that works.

Santa: Sorry kiddo - the elves still haven't figured out how to make self-esteem out of pine. Maybe next year.

Then there's all the in-between stuff. I'd love it, but it's not the normal sort of thing one expects to find wrapped up under the tree. Or that one expects to be asked for. In fact, some of it's also intangible, so that would be awfully difficult to wrap. heh. Here goes.

1)New bras. Actually, I'm perfectly capable of getting my own damn bras, thank you - so what I'd really like is for someone to show up at my front door with a handful of comfy,cute, perfectly fitted bras without me having to so much as shift in position on my couch. I LOATHE bra shopping. I will wear bras until they disintegrate off of my body. Right now, all of my bras have the pokey exposed underwire thing going on (all on the right side. Is my right breast more powerful? Is it going to secede? What's up with that?) and they all provide the same support that a set of Band-Aids over the nipples would. So yeah - a Bra Fairy would just rock.

2)Car maintenance. I'm OK with the oil changes and I just got a brand new set of tires (forgot to tell you that part of the Louisiana trip, didn't I? Don't worry - nothing traumatic, just every male relative in my family looking at the state of my tires and tsk'ing at me. Heh.) and I don't run out of gas or any of that. But - I need somebody to install the new wiper blades I bought, and my car IS at 60,000 miles, which means it probably needs fluids filled or changed or drained or the gerbils in the engine need fresh cedar shavings, fuck I don't know. Plus, I sort of backed into a car a few months ago (SHUT.UP.) AND some little fuckwit decided to draw a chinese symbol or something on my car, so it could use some buffing. And we won't EEEVUN talk about the inside. So - I don't know - somebody to take my car in and say "60,000 mile checkup, wash it wax it, buff that crap out of the rear bumper and dude - run a vacuum over the inside, wouldja?" Oh...and it would be nice if he/she picked up the tab too. heh.

3)Kitty litter. No, seriously - I'm always out of this stuff, and let's just say that "hiding" the catbox in the little hallway hamper is a great idea - until it gets to a Certain Point. Ugh.

4)Laundry baskets. Good lord. What am I, 18 and living in a dorm that I have to ask for laundry baskets for Christmas? Oy.

5)On the same note - a Swiffer. I have approximately 20 square feet of tile in my apartment, but it's all in the kitchen, bathrooms and right by the front door. I have 2 cats, I have a kid and I? drop things. Lots of things. My hard-surface floors need help. I look at the Swiffers, then go "nnaaaaah" because of the price. But do I turn around and buy a regular (read: cheap) mop. No. No I do not, because I am a lazy git. Sue me. But first, buy me a Swiffer.

6)A work mommy. See - I'm perfecly capable of stocking my pantry at home, but when it comes to work? I'm the one who has to go beg for a Kleenex or hand lotion and always eats out because she never remembers to bring lunch or snacks. So - could someone just come to my office with a bag of food and some basic supplies once a month and set me up? Hell - I'd even pay for that service. Hm....business idea??

7)A reprieve from stupid drivers. I...it..GAH!! It gets worse around the holidays, I know, but lately the driving antics have been making me crazy. OK, now - I'm not the world's greatest driver (see above in re: backing into a parked car) BUT!!! If I'm driving through a parking lot, I do NOT vulture for spots. I drive until I find an empty one - not a close one, an empty one. I put my car in the empty spot and I carry on. I do not follow people to their spots. I do not sit and wait for folks to put groceries in the trunk, get in, start the car and go so I can get a spot 6 feet closer to the door. I do, however, sit behind these people and fume while they do this. I do stop for someone who is already in their car and in the process of backing up, because THAT'S POLITE. I also try to stop for pedestrians in grocery store crosswalks and not block intersections and let folks out of driveways when traffic is backed up and just generally try to be a nice person**. I know how to enter a highway and put on my turn signal and not follow too closely (sometimes I mess up on that..heh) and just try not to be an asshole. It would be nice if others would do the same thing.

8)A haircut. Again - I'll pay for this, I just want somebody else to take the time to schedule it, then come pick me up and take me to it, and to maybe help me figure out what I need to get done. This is why my hair always looks like shit. Not because I'm too lazy to do anything with it (well, I am actually) but more because the whole booking an appointment thing is just overwhelming. Good lord - I'm crazy as hell, aren't I??

9)A Band-aid, because I just cut my thumb. Ow. Sad thing is? I own 42 quafrillion travel first-aid kits. I know exactly where they all are too! Under my bathroom sink. *cough*

10)My damn hair to grow already. I know - #8 is a haircut - that's purely so that my hair doesn't look like complete ASS while I grow it out. But part of the reason why it looks like ass?? Because it's decided to stop growing at this awful, just-hits-the-shoulders frump length. Bah. While I'm sure this length looks lovely on YOU, on me?? Assety Ass McAss Ass. Bah.

So - there it is. Upon review, I find that I'm not terribly selfish - I mean - I said I didn't really expect (or want, c'mon) anybody to shell out $150 so I can watch Carrie and her friends drink Cosmos for hours on end. But, I do think that maybe? I'm just a little crazy.

Max, Jane, and the entire internet: "Well, DU-UH!!"

*Actually - I'm still wishing for this one.
**Except when I drive on campus, because if you're a Nice Person on campus, you will never, ever get anywhere. UT students are apparently told that the cars on campus are made of granola or Peeps or something, because they just blithely walk in front of cars without even looking. The trick on campus is to wait for a little tiny break and then start edging into it - if you go too fast, you WILL take somebody out, but if you start slow, they'll look up from their reverie and stop for you. Usually with this surprised look on their face, like "dude..did you see that? That giant Peep almost hit me!!"