Prime

I've been cleaning out my rat's nest of an apartment this weekend. I've let things get pretty out of hand, so it's one of those weekend projects. I work for an hour or two, realize I can't tell my left from my right - wait, I have trouble doing that on the best of days, let me give another example. I work till I realize I can't tell up from down, eat a snack, grab a beer, talk to Jef or the kid or a wall or something for a little while, then get back into it. So far I've taken a couple of bags of books to Half Price Books, I have a gigundo pile of stuff to take to Goodwill, I have a few piles of trash and I'm currently in the final sorting stage of the stuff I want to keep.

Some of y'all don't do any crafty type stuff and it's times like these that I really envy you fuckers, because you're not spending your weekend staring at a pile of scrapbooking shit that you haven't used, wondering if you should get rid of it all now, go through it and keep the card-making stuff, throw it back in the closet so you can ignore it for another two years, or go to the store for more wine.

I've left my bra and my shoes on, in case y'all are wondering which way I'm leaning.

Seriously, I've sorted through giant piles of pictures and receipts and bills (why?) and kid's artwork and half-finished craft projects and just all sorts of stuff and I've come to a not-so-stunning conclusion.

I am absolutely certifiable, batshit, lizard-lickin' crazy, y'all.

I mean, GOT-DAMN! I have SEVENTEEN different flavors of blank notebook. And that's not including the couple of teeny ones that I put in the Goodwill box!! Seventeen!

I've made my decision - what wine goes best with lizard?

This just in - that cliche about Mondays is true!!

When I came out to my car yesterday morning, my glove box and my fuel door were both hanging open and all the crap that usually sits in my center console was on the passenger side floorboard.

Oh, and my dad's watch was missing.

The best I can figure is that when I got home from Dallas last night (more on that in a bit) I was in such a hurry to get upstairs to the bathroom (more on that too) that I forgot to obsessively click the lock button on my keyfob like I usually do. So some fuckstain came along and opened up my car and rifled through it and found the only shiny thing in it - my dad's cheap-ass stretch band Pulsar watch that is completely and totally worthless to everyone but ME. They passed up a cute beaded bracelet, a pair of earrings, a packed CD wallet and about $5 in spare change to grab THAT. Fuckers.

He/She/It tried to get in the trunk, but was too stupid to decipher the difference between a gas pump symbol and trunk lid symbol, so they popped the gas door instead. which is kind of funny, considering I've been driving around with my ex-boyfriend's DVD player and a spare microwave for the past few months. Yes, I'm serious.


Dear fuckstain,

You stole something with absolutely no monetary value that was very important to me. Don't bother trying to pawn that watch, I'm not even sure it's worth a Happy Meal. I'd suggest you hang on to it and use it to make sure you meet your dealer and johns on time, you completely worthless waste of skin. Actually, I hope you have an allergic reaction to it and your fucking hand falls off.

Rot in hell, you pustulent fuck.

Kisses,

Laura

Other than that, everything's just peachy. Jef's car decided to go tits up at the last minute, so I drove up to Dallas on Friday. We had a really good visit, with a fun family-style outing on Saturday and lots of movies and chinese food and non family-style fun. A very, very good visit.

About halfway home, I started having really, REALLY bad stomach pains and chills and some, uh, feelings of urgency. I made a couple of stops for Rolaids and to urgently powder my nose, but it just continued. So I made arrangements for The Ex to get kiddo and meet me in Round Rock, rather than me have to stand in his living room and do the bathroom dance, and then I sped home. That's why I think my car ended up unlocked last night, because I'm usually pretty compulsive about the whole keyfob thing, to the point of annoying myself with the constant horn honking.

And before anybody says a goddamn word about it, believe me, I've lambasted myself enough about the stupidity of leaving something that important in my car, so just shut the fuck up already, OK? I wore the watch from time to time, but I have a habit of taking all my hand jewelry off on the drive home. I don't know why, I just do. So his watch ended up in the console, and it was cheap and behind a bunch of stuff and it never occurred to me that some ass-pimple would break into my car, rifle through the Taco Bell receipts and grocery lists and take the one Goddamn thing in my car that mattered.

Fuck, I hate people sometimes. I think I'm gonna pack up the kid and the cats and find a nice, cozy 3 bedroom cave for us and the boys.

Bah.

cat in a basket

"What's the Spanish word for 'bus'?"
"El buso?"
"I'm pretty sure that's not it."
"How do you know??"
"Well, car is 'el caro', but...no - bus is not el buso."
"It could be."
"El no-o."
"Ok, see, that's not right, because it already ends in an 'o', so you wouldn't add the o - it would just be 'no'."
"......"
"So, I wonder, is oboe really just 'ob'???"
"......."
"What??"

full of holes, like swiss cheese

This morning I got on my scale, as I do every morning, in the vain hope that I will have magically lost 10 pounds and lo! I magically lost 10 pounds!! I looked, skeptically, critically, at the reflection of my ass in the mirror and said "um..no, I don't think so" and climbed off the scale. Sure enough, the little dial had been scooched and the scale was off by 10 pounds. I fixed it. No magic today.

Listen up!!!

alter - to change

altar - a place where a religious ceremony, such as a wedding, takes place.

Get it right, folks. Y'all are killin' me.

Anyway - Dallas and Jef were (as per usual) wonderful. Since we're both giant geeks with impulse spending problems who can't seem to stop thinking about each other (I'll wait while you finish retching) we did a strange little gift exchange when I got there. I'd bought him an ACL t-shirt and he'd gotten me an autographed (autographed!!) copy of Silent Bob Speaks and some other silly stuff.* So it was like a mini Christmas, what with the kissing and the unwrapping and stocking stuffing.

Ahem

Anyway - I spent the weekend there the way I typically spend the weekend at home. That is to say, in my pajamas, reading, snuggling with a cat or two, eating too many carbs, watching too much TV and taking naps. The main difference was that instead of whining "whaaaaaa, I miss Jef", I could just walk over and smooch on him right then. It was pretty damn cool.

And yes - he and I are fuckin' rockstars, what with the couch-riding and movie watching. You know you're jealous. Don't deny it.

While we're on the subject of rock stars, may I please have these shoes? Thank you.

Ok gang, time for me to go grocery shopping. Right now my fridge looks less like that of a set of stylish bachelorettes such as kiddo and myself and more like that of a couple of nasty boys, what with the half bottle of cheap wine, zip-loc bags of scary leftovers and mystery stains at the bottom. You know what that means don't you? While the kid is doing all the homework she didn't do this weekend (grrrrr), I'll be listening to Monday Night Football, putting away freshly purchased groceries and cleaning my refrigerator.

I'll be wearing my super-sexy penguin pants while I do it, too. Don't try to run baby, you know you want it. Come here for a cheap red wine kiss.

*A gimme hat from his company 'cause I wear baseball caps a lot. Shut up. And the funniest damn beer coozie I've ever seen. It has boobs. Again - SHUT. UP. I laughed out loud when he gave it to me.

threadless

Will y'all think less of me if I tell you that I can't wait for the new year to start because I'll get to use my new calendar?? If so, then clearly, you do not know me at all.

To follow up on my last post, the book club was a bust. Oh, I'm sure it was fun for the folks who could find it. But I got up Sunday and showered and dressed and copied down directions and went to the apppointed place and the appointed hour and ...hmmm. Have you ever tried to find a book club at a trendy coffee house?? It's like looking for "the naked one" at a porn convention. I considered walking around, all "are you my book club? Are YOU my book club?" but thought better of it. Instead, I drank my iced coffee, soaked up some sun, went home and took my kid out to eat.

I have to interrupt here to say that I just opened up my chef salad from Thundercloud and it smells JUST LIKE Campbell's chicken noodle soup. I'm confused on many levels. As you were.

Something that I didn't tell y'all, and I don't know why, is that BFF and company are in town this week.

Ok, goddammit - I'm tired of acronyms and aliases, folks. So look, BFF = Lee, TBFD = Jef and Kiddo = Kayleigh. Now, I'll probably still call her kiddo here, because that's what I call her most of the time anyway and that's 5 keystrokes vs. 8 and I'm all about laziness efficiency.

ANYWAY - LEE was in town this weekend, with husband and child and OH MY GOD, that child is gorgeous!!! I'd seen pictures, of course, but OH! GAH! I had lunch with them on Tuesday and then kiddo (see?) and I had dinner with them Tuesday night, then last night there was a big group happy hour. They're heading to San Antonio for the weekend then back home to Nebraska on Sunday. *sob* But it was good to see them. Lee looks happy and seems to have settled into the mom thing fairly well. I don't know - I still feel like I have bits and pieces all untucked and hanging out all the time, and I've been doing this for 15 years.

I mean, hell, yesterday the kid and I stayed home because I couldn't find one of my daughter's shot records - something I used to PRIDE myself on having all together.

I've lost my thread.

Anyway - Lee seems content, and while I miss her like crazy, I'm also just thrilled snotless that she's found all this happiness.

Weekend plans. I'm heading up to Dallas to see Jef, which is not my preference, but he's having car/budget issues and I just want to see the boy. And the drive is not really that bad. And I'm taking a day off work to see my boyfriend. So, y'know...not all bad. I usually start the trip with a fill-up for the car and a large something caffeinated for me and just go. Somewhere around Waco or West (which is halfwayish) I have to pee and re-caffeinate, so I do. There's loud music and bad singing and riding with the windows down at high rates of speedthe speed limit. I generally like road-tripping, with or without company.

Actually, I have yet to take a road trip with bad company. Or Bad Company, for that matter. When I was a kid I travelled with my mom, my grandmother or my grandparents and they were all fans of the sleeping/reading/entertain yourself variety of travelling. As an adult, road trips were with the ex and he preferred that I actually carried on a conversation with him...the nerve! HEH. In reality, we had some pretty good talks during our road trips.

Now, my accompanied trips are all with the kid and she rocks. She has a tendency to play the same CDs over and over and over and ooooooooover again and let's just say there's only so much Weezer one woman can stand. But, she's fun to talk to and easy-going and believes in fast pit stops and we roll along pretty well. There've actually been a couple of trips when I've missed her company.

So yeah I'm going up there tomorrow and he'll head down here next weekend and AND!! his brother will be in town for the Rolling Stones concert. His bro lives in the valley and I'd already told Jef that anytime his valley folks needed a place to stay in Austin, I have a lumpy futon and plenty of floor space. So not only will Jef come down to see me, he'll also get to see his brother and I'll have houseguests!

I'm a bit insane, because if I have to leave my house to meet strangers, it takes all sorts of self-talk, a couple of "mommy, you look pretty"s from the kid and possibly even a shot of bourbon before I get out the door. Still, I'm a nervous wreck during the trip to wherever and ugh. I hate gatherings. Actually, I love gatherings, I just figure everybody will hate me and ignore me and there's no point in me going, I'll just stay home, isn't there a show on fungus I wanted to watch coming on anyway?? yes - weird, I know, your point??

But! I love having people come to my house. Even if my house isn't spotless (which it frequently isn't) I can overlook that after a bit (read: two glasses of wine) and I'm happy having folks over and cooking for them or ordering pizzas or giving directions to the store while I clean the kitchen and whip something up or whatever. In other words, I love people!! On my terms.

Thus endeth chapter 20 squillion on Ways in which Laura is Completely Bat-Shit Crazy.

Five!! HAHAHAHA!! Fiiiive!!

#1 Angela left a comment! Which means she read my drivel! Holy crap! Come back! I'll make cookies!!

#2 There's a Nigella Lawson show on the Food Channel. Say what you want about her, but she cooks a lot like I do (chops some veggies, brown some meat, throw a starch in there and pop it in the oven for a while, voila! Serve with a tasty wine and a good dessert and nobody cares!) and she looks a lot like I do - below the waist, that is. So I like her show. And her cookbooks. Shut up.

#3 A reading group! I found one! It meets today - I'll let y'all know how it goes

#4 TBFD's work schedule has cycled around to where I will actually get to see him next weekend. We're still trying to decide if he'll come down here of if I'll go up there (I'm a big fan of him coming down here because I've taken that drive a few times and BLEH) and I keep finding things that I want to share with him, but we'll see. You know I'll keep y'all posted in nauseating, yet totally family appropriate, detail.

#5 Kiddo just read this over my shoulder and said "write something about meee-eee", so here goes. She just made this really great pot of risotto with Italian sausage for lunch AND!! has decided to read Lolita. Wheee!!

Happy Birthday Kiddo

Dear Kiddo,

Fifteen years ago today, you made you entrance into the world. Just like everything since then, you did it on your terms. Keep up the good work.

Every day since then, I find myself amazed by you - your humor, your strenght, your singing, your cooking, your intelligence, your goofiness, youir kindness. Every day, I thank God for making me your mother. Please always know that I love you, love you, love you.

Happy Birthday
Mom