open letters in place of real content

Dear Coke Zero*,


You are not as good as Diet Coke. I'm sorry. I'll stick with you for a little bit to see if I can get used to you, but I remain skeptical. I see a return to Diet Coke very soon. It's one damn calorie.

Laura


Dear stepson,

Vegetables will not kill you. In fact, they will do quite the opposite - they'll help you live a better, longer life. Trust me on this. Please, just try the spinach.

Your stepmother, who really only wants the best for you, so humor her.

Dear Jef,

The floor next to my side of the bed will always and forever be covered in books, notebooks, discarded hair ties and socks. If you can find a way to deal with that and still love me, I will find a way to put up with your (incredibly annoying) habit of leaving the water running THE ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME you do dishes.

Love you,
Laura

Dear Head,

What will it take to get you to stop hurting? I've tried caffeine, no caffeine, water, ibuprofen and snacks. Nothing has helped. Are you trying to tell me something? Is it the weather? Do you want a human sacrifice? There are several extremely noisy small children in our complex, if that's the case. I just need to know what you want to stop the constant pain and I'll do it. Please, nobody has a headache for four days straight. Help me out here.

No, it's not a tumor,
Laura

Dear cats,

Jobs, motherfuckers. Two of you owe us $1300 in vet fees and the rest of you owe us for years of kibble, litter, nip and mousey toys. Do not bore me with that "I don't have any opposable thuuu-uuumbs" bullshit either. There are people in the world with much lower IQs than any of you and they have jobs. Figure it out.

Laura

*I originally typed "Cock Zero", which I know we can all definitely agree is not as good as Diet Cock or, especially, Real Cock. Just be wary of the New Cock, you don't know where it's been.