mmm, jelly

You would think, from the echoing stillness over here, that I spend my days in a vacuum or something. I don't really spend my days floating in a tub of nutrition jelly, doing nothing over here. I swear, I have a life.

Although, doesn't that sound pleasant? Screw planning a vacation. Just slip into some sort of body suit (I would think boxers would float around too much) and sploosh into a tub of nutrition jelly for the weekend, soak your vitamins in through skin, breathe through a tube, floating weightless...gurgle, aaah.

Hi, sorry - lost you there for a minute, didn't I?

My brain has been in overdrive for the past month. If this continues, it might melt. Seriously, pistons sticking and the whole works. And the topics in there are starting to piss me off.

Ok, I like weddings. I like going to weddings. And I would like to have a nice wedding. Not a big wedding. We've covered this. But my first wedding was kind of a mess. Poorly planned, a smattering of what everybody else told me I was supposed to do and frankly a little trashy because I just didn't know any better. OK?

I was not one of those girls who grew up with an idea of her dream wedding in her head. I haven't had this shit planned out since I was 10. I knew one day, yeah, I'd probably get married and it would involve a dress and some cake and hey I like cake! but that was about as far as it went. So the first time, when I was trying to order alcohol for the reception before I was even legal to drink it? Yeah, things were screwed up there.

Which leads me to this wedding, for which I don't have a date yet, which is making me crazy, not because I am desperate to get married, but because if I have a date for the wedding, that means Jef will have moved to Austin. It will mean that I can stop feeling like I'm living in limbo. It will mean that all the ideas I have and want to talk to him about? I can actually talk about and not feel like I'm acting like one of Those Girls. You know the ones. I call them The Cosmo Hive Mind. The ones that have been planning this shit their whole lives and all you really have to is paste some guy's head in the wedding album in their brain and they're happy. The ones who seem to think that once they find a man and get married, all their problems will be solved.

I remember when I was married and working with a bunch of single girls and they'd talk about how they wanted to Find A Man, like it was the Holy Grail and I'd look at them like they'd sprouted a second head and tell them, "You do know that life continues after the wedding, right? The problems don't go away. You just get some new ones." And they'd just look at me like I was crazy - or perhaps like I was a giant bitch. Which, y'know, maybe I was a giant bitch for ruining their little fantasy that you can put on a pretty dress and say a few words and *poof* all your problems go away.

That's why I'm so snockwabbered* over here. I am not in a hurry to be married again just for the sake of being married. Honestly, the idea of getting married again sort of scares me a little, considering how screwed up my last marriage was.

And considering that this marriage will unite two households into one consisting of a lot of big-ass furniture, two very independent adults, two extremely hairy teenagers and seven, yes count them folks! SEVEN cats.

Anybody want a cat?

But, I am happy right now - despite the rapidly overheating brain. A huge, vital part of what is making me happy is Jef. I know how silly it might sound to the intertubes, but there are so many little things about our relationship that thrill me. The fact that he gets along with both sides of my family. The fact that our kids like each other. The fact that we both retreat from anger so quickly and deal with arguments the same way (like cats - hiss spit, retreat. You still mad? Want a belly rub?) The fact that he likes chocolate more than I do, hates spicy food and doesn't like roller coasters.** The fact the wakes up in a foul God-damned mood in the morning, which means I don't have to deal with a fucking morning person for the rest of my life. Good Christ, I hate morning people.

So many other things, big and small, that make me unquestionably want him in my life.

The waiting is driving me bonkers, and the fact that it's not really about wanting the picture perfect wedding, it's about wanting Jef in Austin, and keeping all of that separate is making me even more nutty than I already am.

Maybe I should just give up and get a knot.com logon already and seal my fate.



*I couldn't figure out a word to express how I felt, so I made up my own. Fuck the limits of language, man.


**This means I won't spend my life not getting to eat dessert, getting called a wimp for not eating the salsa and holding somebody's damn wallet while they go on the fucking Superman when all I want to do is play Skee-ball.