Y'all, Britney's bald head makes me all kinds of happy. I mean - home skillet done snapped, and I just know she's gonna start decorating her noggin with Swaroskis and shit now. (PLEEEEEEEEEEEEZ) I gave up celebrity gossip and have been so good about not following it, but dude. Bald Britney! I am not made of stone, people!!
I'm joking, because the truth is, I kind of feel for Britney. There was a time during my divorce when I really, truly thought I was going to lose my mind. One more phone call or email from the ex, one more shitty comment and I'd be writing this from the loony bin. (Instead of someplace that's totally NOT work. Ahem.)
There's a point in any stressful situation where you realize that there's not a Goddamned bit of what's going on that's in your control. Nothing. The only thing you can handle is getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Arm in shirt, leg in pants, key in door, you can handle that. When you get to that point, you either relax or rebel.
The relaxers do exactly that. They sit back and just ride the roller coaster. They do a lot of deep breathing and perhaps some eye rolling, but they mostly just mutter "not my marble, dude" and wait for the storm to pass.
The rebels reach out for anything upon which to exert some control. In the extreme forms of rebellion, they lash out at other people to try to make them feel bad. In the mild form, they do things like re-decorate, buy new wardrobes, get tattoos, take up new exercise regimens and get extreme new haircuts.
When I got divorced, I chopped off 5 inches of hair and got two spur-of-the-moment tattoos - one of them on my neck.
As long as I can remember, I had dreams where I was trying to walk but I couldn't because I was floating above the ground. I wasn't flying, but actually floating about 2 feet above the ground and every time I'd try to walk, I couldn't get anywhere because I couldn't get any traction. You don't have to be a shrink to figure that shit out.
About 2 years ago, those dreams stopped. I haven't had one since. I've been more scared and alone and freaked right the fuck out in the past two years, but I've been able to control what happens to me during it. I know that at the end of the day, I made the decisions on what happened to me, and I was responsible for my own shit. It might suck, and it might be the worst damn decision I ever made, but dammit, I made the decision.
It felt really Goddamn good to get rid of those dreams.
Getting divorced sucked. Hell, being divorced sucks. Even if your marriage isn't happy, when things get rough you always think to yourself, "Man, if I'd stay married, somebody else could be picking up the chicken noodle soup/dry cleaning/cat barf right now." I guess I'm old-fashioned, but as a Woman Who Left, it feels like I failed. We won't even get into the ways the Ex failed, because every story has two sides and water under a bridge and caveat emptor and all that happy horseshit. But, you (I) do sometimes wonder if you (I) really gave it your (my) best effort.
So that my mom, Jef and Jane can all breathe again - does that mean I want to go back and give it another shot? Good fucking God, NO. I'm depressive, not delusional.
As much as it sucked, and as much as I'd like to go back to a HAPPY partnership someday, I'm glad I did it. I know I wouldn't be happy if I were still married to the Ex, and I'm happy now.
I'm happy with my life. There are things about it that could use a little fine-tuning, but I'm happy.
My point, and I swear I had one when I started, is that for some of us who never felt like we had control of our lives in the first place, when things get really crazy-insane? We reach out at something, anything and just CHANGE it, make a mark on it to show we were here, to show that we have power and agency and control in the world in some way.
Or, y'know - bitch could just be crazy.
A rebel and a relaxer arguing is a lot of fun to watch. The rebel is getting redder and redder, just trying to MAKE the other guy made, and the relaxer's like "dude - have you considered decaf?"
3 comments:
You need to update more, woman, because I love reading your stuff.
I suppose it would be too much to ask for people to just leave Britney the hell alone for awhile. The poor child needs some time to think and get herself together.
Argh, I hate arguing with a relaxer!
Despite the intriguing notion of Britney decorating her head with crystals (starting a nationwide trend, of course), I'm a little worried about her, too. If she doesn't pull it together, she could lose those kids, and that would really send her off the deep end. Maybe the head-shaving is simply a (somewhat) healthy sign of asserting control, though. For her sake, I hope so.
hmmm...as much as I'd love to agree with you miz s...I have this philosophy, that if you put yourself out there in the public eye, then you need to grow a set and deal with the shit that happens when you screw up. too much money, too fast, very little parental guidance when she was younger, and hey...you could say she was a victim, but I'd say bullshit, she's an adult, it's time she starts acting like one. And you know, she's not taking care of those kids anyway. I have yet to see a picture of her lugging them around, etc. All I see is pics of her with no underwear...it's fine to go commando, as long as you don't flaunt the fact. She's not being a mom, she's out partying and drugging herself up...nice role model...
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