More crappy drunken recapping

So - I'm at home alone, with a bottle of wine and the remnants of a chest cold. What does this mean?? It means I'm watching the Miss America pageant.

Don't question it, just nod and smile.

So, we've just finished up the opening ceremonies, during which I misted up a little at all the shots of winners past and then cheered for Ms. Louisiana and Ms. Texas. Oh, I'll be happy for whatever girl wins and blah blah blah, but seriosly, I get a stupid little rush of pride when I find out that the lady from one of my home states has won. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME.

And before anybody gets started on me, I don't give a flying fuck about pageants for people of consenting age. Kid's pageants?? eeeeeh...well... ick. Eighteen and up?? YOu want to spend your spare time gluing your bathing suit to your ass?? Well, then - you go girl. Pageants take a huge amount of work, the kind of work that I have absolutely no interest in or aptitude for. If that's how these chickies wanna roll, then that's fine with me. I could use an ounce of the composure that these chicks have, because watching me speak in public is a lot like watching a chimp on crack. Complete with poo-flinging. Anyway.

The 10 finalists are: Miss District of Columbia, Miss South Carolina, Miss Oklahoma (looks kind of like Denise Fisher and talks about how she and her sister used to play Miss America and she'd make her sister be M.C. Heh), Miss Virginia (I don't quite understand what her platform is, but it involves visiting maximum security prisons), Miss Georgia (kid called me on the phone during this one, so I didn't catch it), Miss Texas, Miss Arkansas (something about "that's the essence - being yourself" ??) Miss Pennsylvania (Pennsylvania has had 5 Miss Americas. Did you know that?? I do. Now.) Miss Alabama, Miss Florida (she has a bunch of pets, including a pet pig named Daisy, who she trained to nod when she asks, "I'm I gonna be Miss America?" Ok, I think that's cute - I may like Miss Florida the best.)

MC dude seems all shocked that the majority of the contestants are from the south. Um...dude - is this your FIRST pageant?? Southern girls are taught how to accessorize and walk in heels somewhere around birth, so it shocks me not at all that the majority of finalists are from below the Mason-Dixon.

Ooooh - the former Miss Americas. I always think it's pretty cool to see the former winners, even if they did just show a crowd shot and then move on.

Swimsuit, ugh. All in matching bikinis and one of them (Miss Arkansas, I believe) has her top hiked up high enough,I think she got lipstick on her tits. Anyway - little nod to the controversy around swimsuits, little retrospective and little spin on how the swimsuit competition is all about physical fitness, a healthy lifestyle and the competitor's composure. Uh-huh.

OH GOOD GOD, A DANCE ROUTINE, SHOOT ME.

And it will surprise absolutely noone that Miss Texas is blonde. Oh, and it wasn't Miss Arkansas with the hiked up top, but damn, Miss Arkansas is BUILT. Wow. Hmmm, I guess the hiked up boobie chick was just one of the other contestants that had to put on the damn suit for that wretched dance number. Poor girl. Despite this whole "dedication to a healthy lifestyle" crap they're trying to feed us, I really hope there's alcohol backstage for everybody.

Man, how cool would it be if one of the categories was "Best at Holding Liquor"??? Seriously - these are college chicks!! That's an important skill!!

I may or may not have dumped over a plate of poached salmon and cous cous onto my keyboard. ahem

They're covering some Miss America party, which looks like an excuse for women to wear their old bridesmaids gowns and tiaras and sit around drinking wine, which is so totally...kickASS. Dude!! Where's my invitation?? Bitches.

Yes, yes,it's a scholarship program, whatever. Bring on the talent and evening wear.

OH MY GOD, could they pad the presentation anymore?? Now we have a plug for the Aladdin. If this is how the evening's going to go, I do NOT have enough wine to survive.

Evening wear - one of the points of judgment is "how they wear the gown", which totally made me think of some chick walking out naked with the gown wrapped around her head. HA! Ok, they're being escorted out by men? Why? Ok, OK, it's a big deal for the girls and so far the first two girls are escorted by their dad, which is pretty cool. But, despite my whole "y'know, it's their choce todo this, blah blah" feeling, when they're escorted out by a guy, it gives a very Here's A-Pretty-Girl-Being-Presented-By-A-Man vibe, rather than the I-Work-My-Ass-Off-At-College-And-The-Pageant-Thing-So-Hell-Yeah-I'm-Tough kind of vibe that I'd much rather see. Take a drink, tie some string to something behind you and jump back into that sentence, and it'll make sense. Wear a helmet.

Oh, the dresses? Heh - they're very pretty so far - almost blandly so. One girl had this white lace bare midriff thing that was a little Frederick's, but other than that, the silhouettes have all been exactly the same and the only real difference has been if the slit is in the front or on the side. Miss Texas's gown was all silver...duh.

Miss Arkansa has this flesh tone w/ sparkle thing,that just ...wow. Again - this girl is pretty hot. It's like they made a classy version of that Britney outfit. Again, take a drink, close your eyes and work with me here. Heh - Miss Pennsylvania is with her brother and dude, her gown is slit WAAAY the hell up to there - like, top of the thigh vs. mid-thigh. Yowza.

OK, MC guy is the sex repairman/plumber/Terri Hatcher's hookup from Desperate Housewives. I never watch that show, so I don't know his name, but y'know - the hot guy. Anyway, he looks cute in a tux, but he's got all the charisma of a rubber duck. And he looks less than thrilled to be there. Again - a reason for booze backstage - I'm just sayin'.

They brought back the Miss Congeniality competition. "These ladies really get along and have a lot of fun together...just like the ones on my show." OK, that was kind of funny. Anyhoo - lots of blah blah, comments from the other contestants, bleedy blah - and the winner is -

Miss Hawaii. Cool. She's not in the Ten Finalists, but it's still cool and I like that they're at least trying to hint that maybe a girl can be pretty and nice to OTHER WOMEN at the same time. Miss Hawaii has a very nice dress on, basic black with a shiny band at the top of the bodice, but wow - that's another awfully high slit. They're talking and she's very touched and, "I think this means the reunion's in Hawaii" That's cute. AW.

We're back in Maine with the crazy drunken tiara wearers who DIDN'T INVITE ME. I've got to say, I don't own any taffeta. Although, the idea of raiding Goodwill for old prom dresses and...hm...I have a party idea for next year - or wait!! When is the Miss USA contest??

Top 5 (in random order!) are: Miss Virgina, Miss Oklahoma, Miss District of Columbia, Miss Georgia, and Miss Alabama

Well, shoot. None of my favorites, Arkansas, Florida or Texas made it in. Damn - it's like this year's Superbowl - I don't care about any of the damn teams that are gonna make it, but I need to pick SOMEBODY to drunkenly cheer for.

There was some random chatter here that just...bleh.

OOh OOH - The Talent Competition! Whoo! BRING ON THE FLAMING BATONS!!!

Miss Virginia is singing something from a Broadway musical. She has a pretty alto voice. Ok, well duh. But she's not trying to be operatic with it - she's singing it, well, like a Broadway song, not an opera.

Miss Oklahoma is dancing en pointe. Um..yeah.

Oooh - Miss D.C. is tapping. Hoow stupid do you think these girls feel? And do you think any of them laughed as hard as we did at "Drop Dead Gorgeous??" I sure hope so - I hope that movie has become a cult favorite among pageant folks. Anyway - Miss D.C.'s music is so loud that you can't hear her tapping. Again, one of my weirdnesses, but isn't the whole point of tapping to hear the TAPS?? Whatever. Also - doesn't she realize that character shoes would have been way more flattering than flat tap shoes? Feh.

Now we have Miss Georgia on the piano. Yawn. Oh, she's good and her outfit is...interesting, but seriously - so far we've seen the typical stuff - a singer, two dancers and a piano player. Will anybody ever do anything original? Like - a body-piercing talent?? Or a drinking competition, a la "Raiders of the Lost Ark"?? Hm?? 'Cause that, I could totally get behind.

Ok, MC Guy is saying something about unpredicatable, blah blah - he's running through a list of unusual talents from the past (trampoline, clog dancing, packing a...suitcase??), only to tell us that we're getting more ballet. "Contemporary Ballet", but ballet nonetheless. Miss Alabama gives us more lame ballet.

Look, I fully admit that I can stand in point shoes for about a minute and then I'm off to cry and rub my feet for a while. I am in complete awe of ballet dancers. However. I grew up with a mom who took classes at, worked at and hung around with the principals of The Cleveland Ballet. The woman who taught the Trocadero guys to actually dance like women, rather than men in drag? She was one of my mom's teachers. I grew up in a household where the names Baryshnikov, Nuryev, and Fonteyn were all followed by a little reverential hush. I did a 6th grade report on Maria Tallchief. I can't dance en pointe to save my life (I might be able to bourre'e across the floor, but that's it) but I know good ballet and I know mediocre ballet. Miss USA is mediocre ballet. I know, I know - they're busy with the whole pageant part of things, if they took the time to be GOOD ballet dancers, they wouldn't have time to be in the pageant. I got that. But - I just wish that if they couldn't do it right, they'd find some other talent - or just not dance en pointe - what's wrong with jazz hands????

Now we're whittling the five down to three, and something about somebody getting additional scholarship money...missed it while I was typing my rant.

So, the final three are Miss Alabama, Miss oklahoma, and Miss Georgia.

Now they're doing the question asking thing, and I totally missed the first girl because I realized I'd referred to this pageant as both Miss USA and Miss America, so I had to go back and fix it. And Miss Oklahoma just rambled something about having glasses and accepting herself and...what? Now Miss Georgia is talking about her role models and overcoming the stigma of growing up Asian-American.

Poor Miss Oklahoma - she just wants to hold somebody's hand.

2nd runner-up is Miss Alabama - she gets an Extra $15,000 in scholarship money.
The zoomed in on the girls holding hands and totally got a side shot of Miss Oklahoma's boob.

And the winner is - MISS OKLAHOMA!!! WHOO!!

Aw - she's cute, and there's confetti going everywhere and the song is playing and there's crying and she's completely fogotten how to walk in heels, she's so excited. Heh. Her mom and dad came up to hug her, and then she went right back over to talk to all the other girls in the competition - which is pretty damn cool, if you think about it. There aren't any vocals, just a cheesy tape of that God-awful song, but you can read her lips ans she's aying, "Oh my GOD! I KNoW!! I can't believe it!!!" Again, aw.

Roll credits. Oh cool - the end of "The Replacements." Pass the wine.