I am a terrible person.
When I come across a blog written by someone with cancer*, I get a little stab of jealousy and, yes, ANGER when I find out they're doing well or their treatment is working or they're recovered or in remission.
I get annoyed by all the pink crap for breast cancer when there's nothing out there for colon cancer and 100% of the population has a colon.
I'm pissed off that breast cancer has a walk and nobody else does. Is it because boobs are sexy and pancreases aren't??
I hate that one of my favorite writers is beating cancer right now and I can't just feel unadulterated joy for her like I should. I should be happy for her. I should poor a glass of wine and put on a silly hot pink hat and hug my kid and kiss my cats and paint a colorful self-portrait and then lift something big and heavy and lift a big ol' double-finger salute to cancer because she got away, so NYEH!!
But I can't. Because I'm still pissed off that it wasn't my dad.
This anger eats at me and it will consume me if I let it, and that makes me a terrible, terrible person.
*I hate the term "cancer blog", because goddammit, you are more than your disease.
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2 comments:
I can share your pain and anger. I too lost my father earlier this year to lung cancer, 4 mos. after he was diagnosed. And, no he wasn't a smoker. I have times that I cry uncontrollably. And YES you are more than your disease.
You're not terrible--or if you are, so am I. I lost my best friend to breast cancer, and it wasn't even that bad (not like stage IV or whatever the worst stage is). I still get very angry about it.
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