Lump of coal

I just can't really get into Christmas this year. For me, it's probably due that whole First Holidays Since The Dad Died thing. Funny how that works.

But I've noticed that I'm not the only person who's having trouble getting into the swing of things this year. I saw this list on another site that I have since closed because I'm a moron so I'm not going to link it, (sorry!) and we'll see if it helps push any holiday buttons.

Ho ho ho.

20+ Holiday Questions

Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Yes please. I like both of them. I like everything from fancy-schmancy home-made stuff to that nasty canned Borden crap in the can. Same for hot chocolate. This question does remind me of a conversation I had with Jef recently though.

Him: "Hey - I have a great eggnog recipe!"
Me: "Really?"
Him: "Yeah - bourbon and ice."

HA!

Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

Wraps 'em. Unless it's a big super-duper suprise present, like a new bike or something, it gets wrapped.

Colored or white lights on tree/house?

Doesn't matter, as long as you're consistent. However if you're going to be inconsistent, go crazy. Live it up!! Cover the shrubs in blinking red and green lights and the roof in strings of blue and plant a plastic Santa up there and make him watch over a baby Jesus while Mickey and Minnie wrap presents and then cover the lawn in a giant net of white and buy all the damn blow up figurines at Home Depot and make the airport reroute planes around your ass because you confuse the pilots with your damn holiday landing strip of a driveway. Seriously, if you're gonna do tacky, don't do it half-ass, I say. Otherwise, just hang up one tasteful wreath and shut the fuck up.

Do you hang mistletoe?

Yep. But I'm paranoid about a berry falling off and one of my cats eating it and dying, so I put a plastic bag over it. Yep, I slipcover my Christmas decorations. I am 92, have some bridge mix.

When do you put your decorations up?

Anyday now.

What is your favorite holiday dish (non-dessert)?

Cranberry sauce - I make my own. I started doing that when I was married because I was the only person who ate it and I wanted to give it a shot. It's incredibly easy, tastes better and I don't have to smoosh out the ridges.

Biggest Christmas peeve?

That goddamn Little Drummer Boy song. And Christmas crap that goes up before Thanksgiving. And Christians who wig out because other religions actually exist and have holidays this time of year. And other religions that wig out because Christians might be forgetful, not intentionally asshole-ish. And people losing their holiday spirit in the mall and acting like dirtballs. In other words, everything except the food. HEH.

What is your favorite holiday dessert/treat?

Those damn sugar encrusted butter cookies that come in the giant tins that every vendor gives as swag every damn year that I swear are made in Satan's bakery. I love those things.

Favorite holiday childhood memory?

Carolling down Congress Avenue with my high school choir. Going to the Zilker tree. Seeing what my mom put in my stocking (she's the reason I'm stocking-obsessed.) Sitting down in the formal dining room at my grandparent's house for one of the three times a year we ever used it (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.)

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

Sometimes, yeah. Most of the time we just let the kiddo open one, because her head was about to explode by that time.

Garlands or Tinsel?

Garlands yes, provided they're the skinny kind. Tinsel no, because I have cats and no desire to chase after them and pull shiny stuff out of their asses.

Snow: Love or Hate?

I live in central Texas. What is this "snow" of which you speak??

Can you ice-skate?

Dude. I can barely walk. Are you kidding?

Do you remember your favorite gift?

From my childhood? Uh, no. From adulthood, I'd have to say it was my camera.

What's the most important thing about the holidays to you?

Being with the folks I love. It sounds fakey, but honestly I would forego presents and all that other hooha. I'm happy to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and my boy and my kid and then spend Christmas day visiting my mom and my grandmom. Presents are lovely but I can buy my own sweaters. I think that's why a lot of people are out of sorts lately - so many of us do Christmas because it's what's expected of us, not because it's what we want to do. Gwen had a good thing last year where she polled her kids and asked them about their favorite parts and that's all they did. Next year, if I feel like I feel this year? I'm going to do The Gwen Thing. Because trying to do the whole caboodle and only doing it because it's "what's expected" just sucks the root. As well as the very life force right on out of you.

What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Going to the Zilker tree. Hanging out with my kiddo on Christmas Eve. Waking up Christmas morning and taking the whole present opening thing nice and slow and then taking a nap with the cats.

What tops your tree?

You do, baby...bow chicka wow. Sorry, that question just sounded awfully dirty. Usually, it's this kind of cool retro star from the Ex's childhood that he gave to kiddo when we got divorced. This year, I just do NOT have the patience for a real tree and kiddo is completely anti-fake tree, so we're getting a lawn flamingo to pile our presents under. You heard me. Don't be hatin'. Kind of hard to put a star on that, so he'll probably wear a Santa hat.

Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?

Giving. Don't get me wrong, I'm a brat, so I like getting stuff. But I love watching folks unwrap presents from me. It's pure narcissism, really.

Favorite Christmas song?

"Oh Come All Ye Faithful" and then "Riu Riu Chiu" HI!! Choir nerd!!

What do you want for Christmas?

Let's see. The materialistic whore list goes something like this:

one of these, this, this, a bottle of red and a pizza, some refills for my lint brush, a year's supply of cat litter, more socks (dude, am I eating them in my sleep, what the fuck??), a subscription to InStyle or Real Simple, some of these, a job for my boyfriend in Austin, some chocolate, a few v-neck long-sleeve t-shirts in assorted colors (seriously, those are damn handy), and somebody to help me clean my room.


The big, "I'd give it all up and wouldn't ask for anything else, ever, ever, ever again" list goes like this:

A cure for cancer, a reason for sites like this and this to not exist anymore, a total worldwide abolishment of papercuts and a final death knell on the phrase "think outside of the box."